Adult Children of Alcoholics as Parents: Skewed Communication Can Feel Normal
If you grew up in a home where one or both your parents drank too much and drank often, you may not be aware of dysfunctional communication patterns that seem just fine to you. But it is important to learn how to develop communication skills if your parents were alcoholics. Why is this? A common example of the need for improving communication skills concerns a man or woman who grew up with an alcoholic parent who was often angry and out of control. This type of alcoholic parent can create an atmosphere of fear that makes some children wish that they were “invisible.” In the moment, it’s a smart communication approach: say as little as possible and get out of the way so that you don’t find yourself in the line of fire.
Unfortunately, these communication patterns that started as a practical way to survive can become a handicap in relationships throughout life. Adult children of alcoholics are often conflict-avoiders. Anger is seen as dangerous and something to be avoided whenever possible. The problem is that numerous misunderstandings can persist when a simple confrontation or brief argument might clear it up.
More importantly, people who avoid conflicts often carry more anger than necessary. They accommodate others in ways that they don’t really want to, just so that they can avoid conflict.
How to Develop Communication Skills: Know Your Blind Spots
You may sense that you need to learn how to develop communication skills, but you are confused about how all of this relates to growing up in an alcoholic home. You know the pain of growing up in an alcoholic home and you know the ways you learned to cope with growing up in that situation. You may have become a miniature adult, a caretaker, and a super responsible little person. Although you grew up in a home with one or both of your parents being alcoholics, you want to be certain that you provide a better atmosphere for your own children to grow and thrive in. You might have become the troublemaker or clown as a way of getting sorely-needed attention from parents. Maybe you were the peacemaker with your siblings because you were afraid of catching the attention of an angry parent. You might have become “the good child” or the one who never made a fuss and just went along with the program. You may have suffered – not only mental and emotional abuse – but also possibly physical or sexual abuse. Some or all of these things can often become the fallout of living with alcoholism. The problem for communication is that each aspect of emotional and physical suffering carries with it specific communication problems. For example, many who are sexually abused have great difficulty saying, “No” when it really should be said.
If you have felt the disappointment of broken promises then you may have become cynical and critical about what people say because when you were a child you had to think that way to keep your hopes low so as not to be disappointed. You may have avoided getting too close to anyone for fear that they would go away or neglect you and you may have trouble asking for help.
As tough as it was to grow up like this, you know that’s not the way you want your own children to live. You’ve committed to giving your kids a better, healthier, happier life. Specifically, you want them to know how to develop communication skills at each crucial stage of their lives.
What are your own communication blindspots? What might be your own personal obstacles to preparing your children to be good communicators?
Adult children of alcoholics may find it difficult to break their childhood patterns of communication. If you really want to learn how to develop communication skills with everyone, then it’s important to become aware of the kinds of situations that give you problems repeatedly.
Or have you become an adult doormat who just goes along with the program because you don’t want to make waves? These are unhealthy patterns of communication.
So what can you do?
Probably the fastest way is seek out life coaching or therapy to address your communication with one other person. This could be a spouse, a son or daughter, or even a concerned friend. If you are really open and willing to learn how to develop communication skills with one particular relationship, you are likely to find that there is ample spillover of benefit to other relationships in your life.
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